


we're looking for something dumb to do

by Paradise_of_Mary_Jane



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Gen
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-06-15
Updated: 2017-06-15
Packaged: 2018-11-14 08:23:05
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,165
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11204148
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Paradise_of_Mary_Jane/pseuds/Paradise_of_Mary_Jane
Summary: It’s the middle of the night and they rendezvoused on the third floor, so that Peter can show them this new secret passage he found; one that comes out to Honeydukes, apparently. Sirius gestures vaguely towards the statue of the one-eyed witch which is continuously emitting a mixture of a high-pitched screeching sound and angry thumping. Bloody hell. They do not have a plan for this.





	we're looking for something dumb to do

**Author's Note:**

> Okay, I did not expect to write something this long but okay. I haven't written Marauder fic in so long and I've missed it.
> 
> Please enjoy :DD

James blames himself but if anyone asks, he’ll say it’s Sirius’ fault. It’s alright. They all say it’s Sirius’ fault and Sirius is perfectly alright with it, expects it even. They’ve all agreed to it and Sirius is more than willing to play his part.

(A part of James wonders if he’s being a bad friend by constantly blaming Sirius on everything. Sirius doesn’t seem to mind, true, but it just doesn’t seem right. Sirius is a friend, probably his best friend, and a fellow marauder; Marauders don’t leave each other hanging, no matter what.)

But really, if it comes down to it, it’s really James’ fault for leaving Gideon alone with Peter for more than ten minutes and letting Gideon fill Peter’s head with  _ ideas. _

(Don’t get him wrong, Gideon is a great bloke and an amazing mentor, but he and his brother are also little shits who are not happy that a band of thirteen-year-old boys managed to steal their title as pranksters extraordinaire of Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry.

Yes, it’s an actual award. There’s an engraved trophy and everything. The winner gets bragging rights and a free drink at the Three Broomsticks.

Gideon and Fabian have been out to get them ever since they stole their title.)

Although, if one really thinks about it, it’s really Remus’ fault for coming up with the bloody map in the first place. Why would they even need a map? They’re in Hogwarts and part of the fun in it is constantly getting lost and finding yourself in places you didn’t even know existed.

(Okay, he doesn’t actually dislike the map, actually really loves it, but right now, it’s really more trouble than it’s worth.

Okay, that’s not true either because he’s pretty sure a lot of magical cartographers will literally kill and perform blood magic to get their hands on the map, but it’s definitely a lot of trouble.)

“What do you mean Peter’s not here?!”

Sirius shrugs helplessly. It’s the middle of the night and they rendezvoused on the third floor, so that Peter can show them this new secret passage he found; one that comes out to Honeydukes, apparently. Sirius gestures vaguely towards the statue of the one-eyed witch which is continuously emitting a mixture of a high-pitched screeching sound and angry thumping. Bloody hell. They do not have a plan for this.

“He’s the only one who knows how to open this thing!”

“I know James.”

“What are we going to do?”

“Figure out how to open it, I suppose. I thought that was obvious.”

“You are much too calm about this,” James says. “You should not be this calm about this.”

Sirius shrugs again. “And you’re panicking enough for both of us so it’s even.”

“Of course I’m panicking! Peter is--”

“Calm down James,” Remus says evenly. “We’re going to figure this out.” He’s looking at the statue with a furrowed brow, probably already coming up with ways to subtly destroy it. People think that James is the impulsive one, but really, it’s Remus they should watch out for. 

“This is your fault,” James tells him. Remus doesn’t even twitch. Just rolls his eyes. It is not the reaction James was looking for but it’s the one he’s come to expect from the likes of Remus Lupin. The fact that he was expecting it doesn’t make it any less annoying.

“You’re the one who suggested we add secret passages in the map.”

“You’re the one who came up with the map in the first place!”

“Shut up the both of you--”

“And you’re the one who uses the map the most--”

“Of course I use it! It’s useful!”

“Then you don’t get to complain!”

“Guys!” Sirius calls out. He looks very close to stamping his feet on the ground in frustration, which means that he’s very, very frustrated. Sirius is very rarely frustrated. This means it’s bad. The statue is continuing to let out loud, very angry thumping noises. “Would you stop bickering for one second so that we’ll actually be able to get things done?” He cuts himself off, blinking, and then he actually does stamp his feet in frustration. Well, shit. “Bloody hell, look what you’ve done.  _ I’m  _ being the voice of reason.”

James takes a deep breath and he watches Remus do the same.

“Alright then,” James says. “What do we do?”

“Peter told me the passage is behind the witch and he’s--” Remus glances towards the statue.

“Yeah, I got that,” James says. “I got that very clearly. How do you open it?”

“There’s a password,” Remus says. “Peter told me but I--” He clears his throat. “--I forgot what it is.”

“Great. Of course you did. Things are never simple for us, are they? Can’t you open it from the other side?”

“Normally you can,” Sirius says. “But now the door is… stuck.”

“How?”

“You really don’t want to know.”

James thinks that he still kind of wants to know but he trusts Sirius’ judgement, at least when it comes to things he doesn’t want to know, so he lets it go.

“Alright? So can we blow it up?”

“Of course we can,” Sirius answers immediately. He’d obviously already thought of that option. “But we probably uh… shouldn’t.”

“As a last resort,” James amends. “If we can’t figure out the password.”

“Of course.”

“You really don’t remember the password, Remus?”

Remus opens his mouth to answer when they’re interrupted by the sound of a very familiar set of heels. The three of them pales in unison and the statue’s thumping abruptly comes to a stop.

“Shit,” Sirius says.

“Excuse me boys,” Professor McGonagall says, “but I’m sure that you all know that it is distinctly  _ after  _ hours.”

James gulps. Well, shit shit shit. Screw friendship and Marauderhood and everything else, he’s blaming Sirius.

 

\--

 

If anyone asks how they get into the trouble they get to, they always say it was Sirius’ idea, which it usually was. Not always, mind you, but usually.

Usually, no one asks. Usually, everybody is too busy running frantically around the castle or cackling in the background after another prank gone right. Although, everyone usually does those things on pranks gone wrong, as well. The Marauders are nothing if not excellent performers, even in failure.

Sometimes, someone does ask, and they blame Sirius. Sirius doesn’t really mind. It’s almost always his fault anyway. And if it’s not… Well, their system works at any rate, so why bother questioning it. The Professors don’t question it and the prefects don’t question it so why should Sirius? Detention is a pain but hey, they still go through it together. Apparently, it doesn’t matter who’s the mastermind, only that they’d all broken rules.

So when Professor McGonagall catches the James, Sirius, and Remus having a very heated argument in front of the one-eyed witch at midnight, and definitely way past curfew, James and Remus naturally turn to Sirius and say in perfect unison:

“It was his idea.”

Sirius remains silent, flashing her his most charming grin. Professor McGonagall merely raises an eyebrow in response. Sirius suspects that she’s beginning to catch on to their ploy, which is good. They’ve only been doing it for three bloody years. They need to step up their game if they want to keep being the best.

“This is the third time I’ve caught you out after hours,” Professor McGonagall says. “And It’s only September.”

Yes it was. It was James’ fault, really, for leaving behind his Invisibility Cloak at home. He doesn’t even have a good excuse to get it. How exactly does one tell their parents that they are in dire need of a magical object that is currently buried at the bottom of their immensely disorganized closet to further their careers in mischief-making? The short answer is, of course, you don’t.

The problem? Professor McGonagall keeps finding them. The four of them have lost Gryffindor so many points now that it might as well be in the negative. They already have detentions lined up for  _ January. _

“And where is Mr. Pettigrew?”

James gulps, Remus has turned a very interesting shade of red; they both turn to Sirius with wide eyes. Right. He’s supposed to be the mastermind to this one.

“We left him at the dorm,” he says. The eyebrow inches higher. Sirius can tell that McGonagall doesn’t believe him in the slightest.

“You’ve never done so before.”

“He was asleep. We didn’t want to wake him.”

Behind him, the statue of the one-eyed witch gives a loud thump.Sirius kicks it, a grin plastered on his face.

“Well then,” Professor McGonagall says briskly. “I’ll be escorting you back to your dorms now. And I’ll be making sure you stay there.”

“You don’t have to do that Professor,” Sirius says. “We’re perfectly capable of finding our way back to the dorm on our own.”

“Oh, I’ve no doubt about that, Mr. Black. The question is not your capability but your willingness. Now come along.”

James is tugging at Sirius’ sleeve, eyes frantically flickering between the statue and McGonagall. Right. Of course. Damn James for coming up with that particular idea.

“I can take them to the dorm on my own,” Remus offers weakly. Professor McGonagall turns a withering glare towards him and he shrinks back.

“Seeing as you’re also here, out after hours Mr. Lupin, I don’t quite trust your judgement.”

Remus’ eyes fall to the floor. Sirius can tell that James is very close to panicking and resists the urge to sigh. This. This is why his friends blame him, because he’s the only one who actually has any skill in talking his way out of the various compromising positions that people keep finding them in. James is too excitable, Remus too shy, and Peter has a stutter. Not McGonagall, mind you, but he can at least try.

And of course, if all else fails, there’s always the Fail-safe. James can do it too, but not to the extent Sirius does. And besides, James is so close to panicking as it is. No need to make the poor man feel any worse.

“Look! A Lethifold!” he shouts, pointing into the distance. He grabs Professor McGonagall’s hat and wand as well, for good measure, and bolts.

(He will regret this later, Sirius is sure of it. He will also make sure that James, Remus, and Peter regret it as well, if not even more. They will be supplying him with sweets and cakes and muggle magazines for an entire month, at the very least.

The things he does for his friends, honestly.)

He doesn’t dare look back, but from the clatter of heels, he’s pretty sure Professor McGonagall is chasing after him. He wishes he could look back. He’d pay anything to see the look on her face right now. He weaves into the hallways, left, right, then another left. Alright, maybe that’s a bad idea. He’s been studying at Hogwarts for three years and is still completely convinced that the castle’s layout changes. Remus and Peter don’t believe him but James insists that his great-great aunt on his mother’s side does spells like that gives places fluid layouts for a living.

‘I need a place to hide,’ he thinks. Professor McGonagall may not be young but she’s definitely very fast. He comes to stop at a dead end, facing a wall. Well shit.

Except it’s not just a wall. The stone is slowly turning to wood, with iron clampings, and oh. Now there’s a door in the middle of it. Sirius hesitates for a moment, McGonagall’s hat and wand still clutched to his chest. There’s something about growing up in the house that he did that makes him extremely distrustful of doors suddenly appearing out of walls.

Then the clatter of heels gets louder and oh what the hell. It’s not like Sirius can actually make things worse for himself. He shoves the door open and runs inside. The room is… a lot bigger than he thought. And wonderfully furnished with couches and fireplaces and everything. Sirius finds it all horribly suspicious.

“Keep me safe, yeah?” Sirius says. “And please don’t trap me here for a hundred years. That would be incredibly rude.”

The room is silent but Sirius could have sworn he heard murmurs of agreement. Alright then. Alright. He’ll just sneak into McGonagall’s office later and return her stuff, once things have died down a bit. He settles down on the couch, right in front of the fireplace.

Well then… Nothing to do now but wait, he supposes.

 

\--

 

They usually blame Sirius, although it’s not usually his fault, mostly because he’s the only one crazy enough to actually  _ enjoy  _ taking the blame. Really, if anyone actually bothers thinking about it--which they usually don’t because Sirius is terrifyingly good at getting everyone’s attention on him and only him--they’ll find that the Marauders are have no one to blame but themselves whenever they land themselves in trouble.

(Yes, Remus thinks of them collectively. Individually, they’d have never come up with the shenanigans on their own. They just can’t. It takes each other’s encouragement, goading, and ideas to create the levels of mischief that they’ve achieved.

And at the risk of sounding like a complete and utter sap--it’s alright, the others would tell him. It suits his personality--Remus would say that they’re nothing without each other.)

Remus stares at the spot where Sirius and McGonagall had been standing. Nothing but empty space there now because Sirius had just.. He had…

“Did he really…” Remus turns to James, lost.

James nods, mouth set in a grim line. “He did.”

Remus lets out a shaky breath.

“Bloody hell,” he says. “The man’s bloody mental.”

“Completely.”

“He just…”

“I know Moony,” James says. “I was there, standing right next to you.”

“He’s mental,” Remus repeats, though there’s nothing really very surprising about that. Everyone has concluded Sirius was mental when he tried to wrestle the giant squid with James on his second month at Hogwarts.

(Remus can’t quite recall if it had been a competition or if the two of them had just been up for wrestling with the giant squid that day. He doesn’t quite know which is worse.)

“C’mon,” James says, turning back to the statue. “Can’t let his sacrifice go to waste. Let’s get this thing open and be done with it.”

“I still can’t remember the password Peter used,” Remus says. “I know he told me at some point. I just--something that starts with a D, I think.”

“A D? Do you know how many words there are that could possibly--” James sighs. “This is impossible. We’re never going to figure this out.”

There’s a loud thumping coming from the statue, like someone is banging and thumping from the other side. Remus thinks he also hears a faint sniffling. He turns to James furiously.

“We can’t give up,” he says fiercely. “You know we can’t.”

“We could go to a Professor--”

“Isn’t that usually my line?”

“What do you want from me? If we can’t figure this out then--”

“That’s why we have to figure it out!”

“Okay.” James takes a deep breath. And then another. And another one. “Okay. We’re going to figure this out. We could sneak out to Hogsmeade and into Honeydukes and--”

“You do know that that’s the worst idea you’ve ever come up with, right?”

“I don’t see you coming up with any!”

“Well you’re the idea person!” Remus says. “You make the plans. I’m the one who makes sure the plans aren’t shit, like your current plan is.  Do your job properly, Potter.”

“My jo--You were the one who wanted to make this bloody map in the first place. I think you should take at least part of the responsibility.”

“The map’s useful,” Remus sniffs. “You have to admit it’s useful.”

“It is pretty useful,” James admits. “And also the reason we’re in this bloody mess.”

“Well, I didn’t expect the only person who knew the password to this thing to just up and disappear--”

“He didn’t disappear, he’s--” James cuts himself off, rubbing his forehead. “Enough. Bickering’s not going to get us anywhere.”

“No it’s not,” Remus says. “We have to get this thing open.”

“Yeah we do. Are you sure you don’t just want to go to a Professor--”

“No.”

“Damn.” James sighs. He seems to be incredibly fond of sighing today. “I hate it when you get hard-headed. Alright then. You said Peter told you the password, right? Well how’d  _ he _ figure it out?”

Thumping again. Not as frantic this time. Something almost constant. Like a beat. Thud-thud-thud. Thud-thud-thud. Thud-thud-thud.

“Where have I heard that before?” James murmurs. Thud-thud-thud. Thud-thud-thud. Remus’ eyes widen. Of course! How could he have not figured out before? Idiots.They were all idiots. And they fancied themselves geniuses when they can’t even figure out the simplest of thing.

He’s scrambling up before he can even coherently form words and running down the hallway.

“What the--Remus what the hell?! Where are you going?”

“I have an idea,” Remus calls back. “Just. You stay there. Don’t move!”

“Oh for the love of--Remus John Lupin don’t you dare leave me behind!”

“I’ll be back soon!”

He’s running. The corridors of Hogwarts are too easy to get lost in. It’s wild and chaotic and Remus is almost tempted to believe James and Sirius’ claims that it actually has a mind of its own. That’s why he wants a map in the first place; to bring order to all of that chaos. But it seems that making it is only bringing more chaos.

(They’ve been caught  _ three times  _ and it’s only September. Curse James for leaving behind his Invisibility Cloak.)

He bursts into the Gryffindor Common Room and finds Gideon Prewett sitting in a couch by the fire, absently thudding his wand against the armrest in a soft thud-thud-thud. He and his brother had taken to muggle drumming recently, much to the annoyance of everyone else in the tower.

“Gideon!”

Gideon looks up, surprised.

“You told Peter something recently. Something important. I need to know what it is.”

“Slow down there, Lupin. What is this about?” Gideon gives him that kind and caring smile that he’d been donning since he was in his sixth year and has tricked professors into thinking he was Head Boy material, much to his delight and Fabian’s horror.

“You know exactly what it’s about.”

“I’ve been telling you lot, lots of things recently,” Gideon says. “I think you’ll have to shake my memory just a bit.”

Remus sighs. He doesn’t understand why everyone insists on acting like they’re in a bad mafia film instead of teenagers in a magic school.

“What do you want?” he asks wearily. Gideon grins.

“I want in on your project. Whatever you four are doing, it looks big.”

“No.”

“Please.” 

“No,” Remus says. “The project is off-limits.”

“I see you can’t be persuaded.” GIdeon pouts and Remus has to resist very hard not to roll his eyes. “At least tell me what it is.”

“Oh for the love of--A map, alright? We’re making a map.”

“A map,” Gideon repeats. “You’re going through all that trouble to make a map.”

“ _ A map, _ ” Remus emphasizes. Gideon’s eyes widen as he finally gets it. Odd. Usually, he’s much quicker at picking things up. Must be getting old.

“You’re crazy little buggers, aren’t you,” he says. “Crazier than me and Fabian.”

“Sirius just stole McGonagall’s hat and wand, screaming bloody murder, so yeah, I think we are.”

“He what?!”

“Yeah.” Remus can’t help the grin on his face. Gideon whistles.

“I wish I’d been there to see that.” He eyes Remus, curiously, critically, proudly. Remus doesn’t think there’s a word that puts all three of those together in equal emphasis but Gideon manages to do so with a look. “The password’s ‘dissendium’. Try not to forget it this time.”

“Don’t worry,” Remus says. “We’re writing it down.”

 

\--

 

“Four bloody hours! You left me there for four bloody hours! In the dark, on my own!”

“You weren’t on your own,” James argues. “I was talking to you for most of it.”

Peter glares at him. He’s still a little dishevelled and feeling more than a little manic.

“You mean talking at me, and it was just half-an hour, idiot,” he says. James shrugs.

“What’s the difference?” he asks innocently. Peter chucks a pillow at him.

“Arse,” he says.

“How’d you even get trapped there again, Pete?” James asks sweetly. Peter feels himself turning a bright red. He’s almost certain James doesn’t actually know the reason but apparently, that doesn’t stop him from giving Peter shit about it.

“Shut up you arse--Shut up--Why do you have to--”

“Why do you insist on behaving like children,” Remus asks, though he’s fighting down a smile, too.

“You left me alone in the corridor! McGonagall could have gone back then what would I have done?”

“Like you could bloody talk. I was trapped in a dark hallway without my wand!”

“I was going to come back for you! And Sirius had McGonagall plenty distracted!”

“I’m sure he did--Oh bloody hell. Where the hell is Sirius?”

Silence. They all stare at each other. Shit. Peter knew things had been going too perfectly when they got him out.

“Shit,” Remus says.

The thing is, and it shows how bloody mental the four of them are, they actually have contingencies for things like these. They have plans laid out on what they were going to do, should things go wrong, and yes, it includes getting trapped in a secret passage and forgetting the password with the door refusing to budge for some reason. What Sirius did was the ultimate last resort for when someone had caught them: one will distract them for all their life’s worth, leading the person (or people) who caught them away, and the other two would do whatever it takes, including bringing the walls down, to get the fourth marauder out. Once the people who caught them were already at a safe distance and not likely to go back, the one who had led them away would head straight back to the dorm and wait for them. It was a system. It made sense. They came up with it at three a.m, while squeezed on James’ bed, but it’s a system that makes sense, so none of them question it.

Sirius led McGonagall away. McGonagall did not come back. Sirius is not in the dorm.

One of those statements should not be there. Something had gone wrong.

“Shit,” James says. “Okay crap. Let’s check the map. Maybe he’s there.”

They check the map. It’s still crude, only containing a few floors. They’ve spelled it to track all four of them so that they’ll always be able to find each other. Or at least, they’ll be able to find each other when they’re at the third to seventh floor.

They check. Then they check again. They check a third time.

“Where the hell is he?”

“We haven’t mapped the entire castle, James,” Remus says. “He could be in other parts.” Peter shoots him a glare as James blanches. Remus is not being very comforting.

“Do we even have a plan for one of us not following the plan?” James asks.

No, they did not. They really should have.

“He’ll be fine,” Peter says. “We’re at Hogwarts. What could possibly happen to him?”

That doesn’t seem to comfort James, either.

“There’s no use looking for him now,” he mutters. “But…”

“He’ll be back,” Remus says. “For all we know, he found the kitchens and got sidetracked.”

“We need to find the kitchens soon,” Peter says.

“Yeah, we do,” James agrees. “But first: Sirius. Where do you think he could be?”

They spent the rest of the night theorizing, coming up with a plan. It’s not the same without Sirius’ boisterous suggestions but they make do. They’ll find him, or more likely, he’ll go back on his own. Marauders never leave each other hanging, after all.

They end up falling asleep in a tangled mess on the floor. Peter wakes up to find that Sirius has somehow found himself onto the heap without any of them noticing.

“Where’ve you been?” he mutters. He’d cuff Sirius’ ear but his arms are currently pinned by James lying half-on top of him.

“Magic room.”

“We’re in a magic castle,” Peter points out.

“Has it been a hundred years?” Sirius mumbles.

“What? No.”

“Good,” Sirius mumbles. “I was worried for a second.”

“Sirius?” James attempts to raise his head. “That you?”

“Go back to sleep, James.”

“ _ You  _ go to sleep.”

“I was going to and then--”

“For the love of--the both of you go to sleep!”

“Yes Moony,” they say in unison. 

Peter smiles. Yeah, they’re going to be alright. Just another night with the Marauders.

 

 

 

-fini-

**Author's Note:**

> I didn't expect to end this fic with Peter, either, but hey, you do what you gotta do.
> 
> I'm also on [tumblt](http:pdfcct.tumblr.com) where this fic can also be found.


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